A Change of Heart?

I wonder if, just maybe I'm pushing too hard. I wonder if all this fantasizing about the perfect job, the RIGHT career, is pushing rather than pulling toward what I want? I was sitting at work today thinking about how much of my life I give up worrying/planning/dreaming about the career I'm meant for, the one out there waiting just for me. What could I do with all that time I spend on these fantasies? What would I gain by ridding myself of this obsession?

I would have much more free time. I would feel less like a worrywart and more like a fun human being. I wouldn't worry about how every little idea I have might make me rich and famous, and completely fulfilled. I would spend more time living in the present, and less dreaming about the future; how bright and golden it will be then. How great it will be later. How much fun I will have once this job thing is sorted out.

But what about the negatives? Well, I worry that I would lose all motivation and inspiration. What is the point of trying all these things just for me? Deep down it doesn't feel right, doesn't feel constructive to make pretty things or learn new skills unless they will serve me in some career. What a strange concept! What about the pleasure and joy that learning new things will bring me?

Part of me is absolutely terrified to just let go, even for awhile and see what happens. I'm scared to stop pushing and obsessing and fretting and worrying. It's a huge part of me and I'm not quite sure what I would do without it. But I will try to find out...