Dreams vs. Reality...

Has this happened to you? You're bumping through life, exploring avenues, looking for new adventures, taking time to rest now and then, and suddenly realize one day, completely out of the blue, that you are nearly thirty and haven't really accomplished anything at all you had hoped to?

Please, please tell me I'm not the only one.

I won't say I haven't accomplished ANYTHING, that would be a bit overstated. I have my dream list and many things on that list have tiny checks in the left margin. Marry a best friend and completely-all-around-wonderful (and sexy!) man in a beautiful winter wedding (check). Graduate college albeit six years after starting (check). Travel to Europe and Asia (check). Travel to all fifty of the United States (well, 25 right now, maybe a half-check?). Own my own business (check). Ahhh, there's the dream that's causing me to act like, in my mother's favorite expression, I have ants in my pants.

I am a designer. I make things out of nothing; purses, cards, art books, picture frames and wooden signs, tussie mussies, homemade bread. I love, love, love to create! I love to decorate, to spend hours dreaming up new ideas and then going into my art room and seeing them bloom into being (or sometimes not). I love to use color, to rip and tear down and then rebuild and make it new all over again. I love to put things together until it's just...right.

However, I am also a full-time employee of a university. In my current job, creating involves making a new Excel spreadsheet or printing off new fax cover sheets. To say that my job is not in line with my values would be an overstatement. To say that my job is not in line with my passion would be an extremely true and honest statement.

But what to do? There are thousands of us out there, I'm sure of it. Thousands of women and men who want to follow their passion, want to lead their lives with their hearts. But it's the leading that is such a scary place to be. There are so many doubts, so much worry is involved. Maybe I'm not really talented. Maybe I do live too rurally to make this a go. Maybe I'm not any better at designing or creating than any other beginner who calls themself an artist or designer. Maybe the spark that I think I have, is something everyone has.

I have come to see though, that there is NO WAY I will ever know this with certainty as long as I stay safely on my little lily pad of self-doubt. Jumping into the water is SCARY! Jumping into the water means I might get water up my nose or embarrass myself in some other way, in front of everyone. But what is the alternative? That, really is too frightening to think about.