A Change of Heart?

I wonder if, just maybe I'm pushing too hard. I wonder if all this fantasizing about the perfect job, the RIGHT career, is pushing rather than pulling toward what I want? I was sitting at work today thinking about how much of my life I give up worrying/planning/dreaming about the career I'm meant for, the one out there waiting just for me. What could I do with all that time I spend on these fantasies? What would I gain by ridding myself of this obsession?

I would have much more free time. I would feel less like a worrywart and more like a fun human being. I wouldn't worry about how every little idea I have might make me rich and famous, and completely fulfilled. I would spend more time living in the present, and less dreaming about the future; how bright and golden it will be then. How great it will be later. How much fun I will have once this job thing is sorted out.

But what about the negatives? Well, I worry that I would lose all motivation and inspiration. What is the point of trying all these things just for me? Deep down it doesn't feel right, doesn't feel constructive to make pretty things or learn new skills unless they will serve me in some career. What a strange concept! What about the pleasure and joy that learning new things will bring me?

Part of me is absolutely terrified to just let go, even for awhile and see what happens. I'm scared to stop pushing and obsessing and fretting and worrying. It's a huge part of me and I'm not quite sure what I would do without it. But I will try to find out...

Clean and Comfy...

I was just thinking, yet again, how much I love my home and how grateful I am for simple things. I love, love, love slow weekend mornings when I pad around in bare feet in the kitchen, mixing up blueberry muffins or whole wheat waffles. I like to listen to old music, sometimes in French (Edith Piaf is my new love), or old jazz and big band records on my ancient record player. I love to tidy up and get everything all clean and sparkly and then, finally, I feel like I can relax and breathe deeply again. There is something about clutter and things lying around that makes me crazy. I cannot fully relax and let go unless my surroundings are relatively orderly.

I especially love cool mornings when, after cleaning the kitchen and baking something yummy, I can curl up on the couch with a pet or two, spread a fuzzy blanket over us to cuddle up in, and enjoy reading a good book or magazine while sipping my flavored decaf (usually French Vanilla, but sometimes Hazelnut). I run my little water fountain and turn on just the low table lamps and snuggle in. Ahhhh...domestic bliss!

The Starting and Stopping of Things...

Why is it that I have such a difficult time finishing things? I get so full of fire-no force on earth could remove me from my current obsession...whatever that might be. Making purses, altered art, painting, writing, starting businesses (I've begun two and neither made it much further than the 1 year mark). Why, why, why do I get SO enthralled and excited about something, imagining myself doing this, succeeding at that, giving an award acceptance speech when my NEW idea or product just catches fire and spreads itself throughout the nation...then...I give up. Or if not, I peter out, lose motivation, set it aside for awhile and sometime never get back to it.

I hate this part of me that is an unfinisher. I feel sometimes that I'm daydreaming my life away. I dream and plan and imagine...but what do I do about any of it? I'm scared to begin something because I never can count on myself to finish it properly. I'm afraid to get held down at a job because then I might actually be responsible for showing up and doing the work day after boring day, trapped in a cell of files and ringing phones and people with annoying requests.

I'm tired of it. I'm sick to death of beginning a thing and not seeing it through. I'm tired of all this imagining perfection and seeing less-than-perfect reality. This has to be a sickness, and I just have to find a way to cure myself.

Somerset Submission...

Ok everyone~here it is! This is the piece that I created for Somerset Studio involving a favorite female literary figure. As I posted before, I absolutely love Emily Dickinson and I based this creation on one of my favorite poems of her's called "Funeral in my Brain". It took me awhile to get this together, but I'm pretty happy with the end product. The submission deadline isn't for awhile yet, but I am going to try to get this out in the mail pretty soon (it's making me nervous, looking at it!).


I used a mini-cigar box for the container and cut away parts of sides to make it look more like a hardcover book. I've used found objects (glass, brass ring, etc.) to give it an interesting twist...and I used this antique marooon velvet because (sigh) my macabre side just thought it looked perfect to line a casket. When I finished the first stage it looked way too dreary...I'm usually very colorful in my creations, so it was hard to do all this black and maroon. I added in the yellow after, to give some contrast.

It was so fun putting this together, and it makes it more...I don't know, special/fun/exciting thinking that other people are going to see it and that it might, just maybe possibly, have a chance at being chosen for the magazine. Keep your fingers crossed!

Where Does the Weekend Go?

My~the weekend just flew by and, what do you know, it's Sunday night and I have a tiny sore throat and am secretly a little happy that it's almost time for bed...and Yum! Fresh sheets! But hopefully will be feeling better by tomorrow morning as I absolutely HAVE to go to work. I have no sick time yet and I don't want to take a day without pay. Plus I would feel too embarrassed to call in after only three days!

I had such a lovely weekend, even though I've been feeling more tired than ususal. My Dad said that it's probably just the stress of the new job and getting into my new schedule...I suppose that's it.


I made my sister, Faith, a really cool birthday card but I gave it to her without taking a picture of it first! It was totally cute~I used a color copy of a photo of her around age 10 and then decorated it with a little crown, a pearl necklace and matching earrings....it was cute! I also included this quote, "Your life is a canvas, only you can paint on it."Well, something like that.

The book above is an altered book that I made a long time ago. I'm working on another one now, but felt too lazy to take photos tonight. I spent a lot of time in the sun today and I don't know, something about the sun just saps the energy from my bones. The rest of me as well. I hope that this week will be filled with many laughs, good times, and hot cocoa. Love to you all...

A New Job...

Well, I had quite a busy start to my week! I got a call for an interview at an architectural firm for the position of marketing assistant/front desk assistant. I went for the interview, got the job and started yesterday~it was a whirlwind! This is through a temp agency and I was SO pleased to get something in the design/marketing field, as well as something that is temp to hire. If it works out well and I like it and they like me, then in just over 3 months I could be hired on as staff. This week has been just crazy...the girl who is leaving the job is trying to train me (about 2 years worth of information in 2 days) and I feel so...depleted in the evenings. But I think it will be interesting and challenging, once I actually know what I'm doing and feel slightly competent. I wish she was staying though! It would be fun to work with someone who is so positive and full of energy.

Most days, I must admit, I feel about 50+ and can hardly make it through a workday anymore without a few daydreams about a little nappy helping me through the afternoon. But daydreams are all they are, as I'm now at work during nap time. I miss working at home and getting most of my work done super early, then retiring for a short nap with Peeka and Spazzi and Magoo for an afternoon siesta...but I'm extremely grateful for this new job and will try hard to make a go of it.

I have to say though, that my dreams of becoming a graphic designer are causing me have second thoughts. I see some of the work that the graphic designer, a very chic young woman at this office does, and it doesn't seem as appealing and exciting or creative as I had imagined. Anyway, I'm planning to sign up for Graphic Design I this fall, and hopefully find out more about this field. My ultimate goal would be to work freelance, or possibly in a part-time job and do something else the rest of the time, but it takes a lot of experience and talent to do this.

And now, it's off for some quiet reading and maybe a quick walk with the little Peeka-pooch before I start to get ready for bed...getting up at 5:30 is more of a struggle each day!

Cheers!

New Altered Endeavor...

When I went to visit my sister Celeste, I picked up a hardcover book at the library in the free pile and set to work creating a new altered art book. I haven't done one of these in awhile and I'm really excited to play with all these pages! Lately I've been working with children's board books which are fun, but it's nice to have the pages themselves to play with. I like making some into envelopes and pockets and cut others to put tags on etc. I haven't decided if I want to run one theme throughout the book or differing themes in each section. If I choose one theme, I'm thinking of a different inspirational word for each area. For example: Hope, Love, Peace, Happiness, etc. We'll see how it turns out! I'll keep you updated on my progress...

A Tiny Break from Reality...

Yesterday morning, I packed up the car, kissed the pets goodbye, and headed out to see my oldest sister a few hours away. We had been talking about getting together for an "art day" for a long time, and finally we just picked a date and stuck with it.

What an incredible time I had, away from my (temporary) problems and a break from the reality that is my daily life. Now, in no way am I complaining about this reality; there are so many things that are absolutely and wonderfully perfect in my life~I'm so grateful for them all! But, like anyone else I too have those little bumps in the road; right now being a bit of a low spot, I was extremely happy to leave my problems behind and head out on a cool and rainy morning with no bigger decision to make for the day than the flavor of coffee to choose. I was thankful it was rainy and a little chilly...so much nicer to drive feeling slightly cool, enjoying a warm cup of decaf than sweating hot, sitting in the blazing sun while one arm sunburns and the other is left perpetually as white as baking flour.

I puttered along, thinking of all sorts of career and relational issues, and then, halfway into my drive thought "This is a mini-VACATION, try to get into the mindset!" so I popped in my Shakira CD and blasted all of the problems and "the stupid people" right out of my little blonde head. It was refreshing. And very loud. Very, very loud.

My sister Celeste spoiled me with a delicious lunch, homemade biscotti (which I've been craving for the past 10 days but have been too hot to make), and the adorable gifts above, all tucked into a pretty pink bag. I was nearly in tears with gratitude. It feels so good to be taken care of, doesn't it? After lunch we spent some time re-arranging her home studio where she works as the editor for a magazine and spends some of her free time creating altered art. We made good progress I think. Sometimes all it takes is moving some things around to create some "blank" spaces which makes a room feel completely different and energized. We spent most of today scouring lawnsales for treasures (I bought a beautiful cream colored vintage "Jackie" dress and a funky black vintage skirt...complete with a rhinestone button), and then played with our altered art projects at a cool scrapbooking store where they let us use all sorts of their supplies for FREE! It was so much fun!

And, aren't THESE little suitcases adorable? My sister Aimee gave me these fun little striped cases which have the most beautiful and bright poppies on the fronts~I LOVE vibrant color! These bright stripes are my new favorite. She also gave me a funky new sushi set, as my darling husband and I are becoming quite the sushi connoisseurs. We like to make our own and now we have the tiny sage green platters with even tinier square "sauce dishes" and pretty new chopsticks to make us feel like we really know what we are doing!

A Mug Like No Other...

I can't believe this happened. I just don't want to think that it can be true, that it was ME who did it. It was over so quickly; I was just transferring it from the cool rinse water into the dishdrainer and then, the distinctive clink-hiss of pottery breaking. Aimee and I have spoken of this, but not now, not today.

This may look like just a regular old stoneware mug but it is so much more! There is this strange sort of connection I feel with the two mugs my sister, Aimee, sent me from Korea. She was there as an ESL teacher and both of these mugs made it all those thousands of miles without breaking. I didn't think too much of them when I first saw them (oh, that's nice!) and put them in the cupboard with all the other matchless mugs. But soon I began to understand her secret obsession with these mugs. They fit my hand just right, like the potter had cast my hand and made the mug to sit just so within my palm and fingers. They are thick and heavy (like good chocolate and ice cream) and they keep my coffee, cocoa and tea steamy on cool autum evenings and crisp winter afternoons. The mugs are just the right thickness around the rim too. Ceramic mugs are too thin, they don't offer enough room to blow directly into your drink, pushing the steam up to warm a cold nose. The mugs aren't too thick either, making you feel like you are putting a horse bit into your mouth. They are just perfect.

Now, to be completely honest: Aimee sent this green mug to me and a seperate mug to my-then-finace (now husband). But I coveted his mug. It's cream colored with little hand-painted autum leaves on it and it is just a tad smaller and just a tiny bit lighter. I never actually asked to trade mugs, I just started using his and serving him his Saturday morning coffee in the larger green mug. He would sometimes fight me for his mug, but most of the time was too bleary-eyed to put up much of a fuss (that's the downside of being a night owl, I suppose). Meanwhile, I would be up at 6:00 a.m. Saturday mornings and quickly claim the cream mug for myself, chuckling in my ability to out-do my husband in this one, very small arena. (Ha! You might be a fantastic musician, a well-coordinated athlete and superior at diagnosing small, funny sounds in my car...but who's drinking out of the cream mug this morning, huh?)

But now....there is nothing here. I don't think that this handle can be fixed and I feel so sad that it happened. Stupid cheapo dishgloves! I knew I should have gone with my regular brand but no! I HAD to have these stupid coral colored gloves because I was just so tired of my regular old yellow ones~see where that got me?

Oh dear! I hear my husband stirring on the couch! I have to hide the remains and try to see what can be salvaged tomorrow while he is at work. Do you think there is any chance he wouldn't notice a missing handle?

Where or Where, Can my new Job be?

Ok, I just told my friend Suzanne who hasn't been to my blog yet, that I never talk about work on here. BUT I just have to make this one exception.

I'm currently looking for a new job/career/calling and I find that thinking about it is just there. It's not something I purposefully have to think about, it's just always on the back burner of my inner mind-stove. Sometimes I feel like it's about to boil over (when I let my inner obsessive-compulsive nature take over) and other times it is like a slow simmer, barely bubbling.

The problem is this: I love being creative. I love working part-time at home/alone and part-time with nice/creative/funny people. However, in all my many jobs, I've never seemed to find that mix. Oh, yes, and let's not forget that I also like to be paid enough to buy groceries for my darling, myself and my furry little friends... and maybe have a little treat once a week or so. Is that too much to ask? Oh, and also I would like to travel while I'm still young enough to get around. And I would like a Vespa scooter and stockade fencing for my yard. But really. Is that too much to ask???

There are always certain parts of my jobs that I have hated and other parts I really liked. Well, ok. To be honest some jobs I've just hated for the most part. But really, there have been some great pieces of past jobs. For example: I worked as a case manager for the elderly and I loved the freedom of setting my own schedule, being on the road most of the day and the variety of the work. Plus for the most part, I felt like I was really helping people. I didn't really care for the death/dying/end of life issues and stressed out family members who decided that I would make the absolute perfect whipping boy (or girl, as the case may be). I also had a really hard time dealing with the emergency abuse cases, etc. And so, burned out by case management and other people's problems, I decided after 3 years of CM that, secretarial work wasn't so bad.

Just thinking about all the different jobs I've had makes my head swim. Since I started working at age 15 here is a condensed list:
Babysitter, data entry clerk, flyer folder (hey, I needed gas money!), dishwasher, buffet hostess, salad girl, house cleaner, video store clerk, clothing store clerk, secretary, veterinary assistant, daycare aide, secretary for DUI program (that was fun!), case manager, eligibility specialist, dog groomer (2 days and dogs tried to bite/sit on me!), medical transcriptionist, and office assitant. I think I'm forgetting some... That is 19 jobs in 14 years which averages 1.357 jobs per year! Of course, a lot of these were summer or part-time positions (thank God!). It does make me wonder though....Is my perfect career possibly, just maybe, being on vacation?